TUESDAY JOKE - 11

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I was sentenced for my fifth driving under the influence of alcohol.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a body in the trunk?!!!
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
The trunk is opened; nobody.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove compartment, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too

If you lend someone RM 20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. 

Neither one works.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass... then things just keep getting worse.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

"You see, doctor, I’m always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning,” said Liza.
“Well, try getting up half an hour later,” said the doctor.

“With everyone in my house tired of the usual pastimes, we're playing bored games.”

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.
"What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.
"I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win."
His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, "I'm a hooker."
"No problem," said her husband, "just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up."

Five Jews influenced the history of Western civilization.
Moses said the law is everything.
Jesus said love is everything.
Marx said capital is everything.
Freud said sex is everything.
Einstein said everything is relative.

My sister's a personal trainer. 

That's a tough job.

I don't think I can do that. 

You got to help people with their fitness goals. 

Can you help me define my abs? 

Yeah - disgusting, sloppy, gelatinous.

My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim, “Take it, Max,” as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our station wagon.
Recently, I was travelling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway. My dad leaned back and said, “I think I'll let Tom drive for a while.”
“Tom who?” I asked.
My mother translated for me: “Tom Cruise, of course.”

While a man was dying, his wife was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "I have something that I must confess," he said in a tired voice.
"There isn't anything to confess," replied his weeping wife. "Everything's ok. Go to sleep."
The man blurted out: "No, no, I must die in peace. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," whispered his wife, "that's why I poisoned you."

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