TUESDAY JOKES - 334

 

Sabah, Malaysia

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. “Hey girls,” says the brunette, “Let’s go home early tomorrow. She’ll never know.”

The next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss!

She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. “That was fun,” says the brunette. “We should do it again sometime.”

“No way,” says the blonde. “I almost got caught!”

 

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
“You all have obsessions,” he observed.
To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”
He turned to the second Mom. “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”
He turns to the third Mom. “Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand, and whispers, “Come on, Dick, we’re leaving!”

 

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I am not giving him any of mine.”
The second bull says, “That pretty much says it for me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight ‘I’m till I run him off or kill him, but I’M KEEPIN’ ALL MY COWS.”
The third bull says, “I’ve only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows.”
They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.
The first bull says, “Ahem…You know, it’s actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.”
The second bull says, “I’ll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an argument.”
They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.
The first bull says, “Son, let me give you some advice, really quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to talk about it.”
The third bull says, “Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I’m just making sure he knows I’m a bull!”

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
“Here is the situation,” she said. “A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can’t swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?”
A girl raised her hand and said, “To withdraw all his money from his savings account!”

 

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “this is for washing our hair.”

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer and said “the curlers are on me!”

 

A student comes to a young professor’s office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. “I would do anything to pass this examination,” she says. She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. “I mean,” she whispers, “I would do anything…” He returns her gaze, “Anything?” “Anything.” his voice softens. “Anything?” “Anything,” she repeats again. His voice turns to a whisper. “Would you … study very hard?”

The boys were arriving back at the fraternity house after the summer vacation.
“What have you been doing this summer?” one asks another.
“Working in my dad’s office, and you?”

“Yeah, I’ve been loafing around and doing nothing too!”

 

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the barstool, and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and yells for a drink. The bartender comes over and – still politely if not more firmly – refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a barstool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is too drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cry, “Man! how many bars do you work at?”

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work, he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.
Afterward, the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.
Holding his neck with one hand, he said, “Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!”
“Hell, that’s nothing” she answered, ripping open her blouse. “Look what he did to my tits!”

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