TUESDAY JOKE - 13

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The cat says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

I hate it when my wife says "Are you listening to me?!"
Such a random way to start a conversation.

I heard that you can now print a gun off a 3D printer, but I am not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?

Sir!

What can an elephant with a machine gun call you?

Anything he likes!

What do you call an elephant that is small and pink?

A failure!

Tarzan was tired when he came home.
"What have you been doing", asked Jane.
"Chasing a herd of elephants on vines"
"Really?", said Jane. "I thought elephants stayed on the ground!"
What would happen if an elephant sat in front of you at the movies?
You would miss most of the film!

A blonde has sharp pains in her side. 

The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis."
The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."

Two lunatics are in the recreation room of an asylum. One is playing solitaire, and the other is watching. Suddenly, the watcher says, "Hey! You just cheated yourself!"
"Ssh!" The other whispers, "Don't tell anybody, but I've been cheating myself at solitaire for years."
The first nut whispers back, "But, don't you ever catch yourself?"

"Nope", the solitaire player says proudly, "I'm way too clever!"

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to intrude on your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile house at Zoo Negara and there are snakes slithering all over the place.
Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he can't get them back in their cages. Finally, he says, "Quick, call a lawyer!"
"A lawyer? Why??"
"We need someone who speaks their language!"

For his wife's birthday, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:
"You are not getting older; you are getting better."
When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP; YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM!"

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