SUNDAY JOKES - 301

 

Ladies gather at Felda Palong 2, Gemas, Negeri Sembilan, Malaysia

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight . When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son’s medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, “I don’t think you should take one, Dad, they’re very strong and very expensive.” “How much?” asked Grandpa. “RM 38.00 a pill,” answered the son. “I don’t care,” said Grandpa, “I’d still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I’ll put the money under the pillow. ” Later the next morning, the son found RM 138 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, “I told you each pill was RM 38; not RM 138. “I know,” said Grandpa. “The hundred is from Grandma!”

 

“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled, “I’m so wet, give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted to. I am keeping the umbrella.

 

Three words to ruin a man’s ego.

“Is it in?”

 

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because like all men, they won’t stop to ask directions.

Q: What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say when clients are leaving?
A: “Thanks for coming!”

 

Contest in a girl’s college: write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.
Winner’s story: “Oh God, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it.”

 

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

 

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: “Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18-year-old.”
Father: “When was the last time you made a confession?”
Man: “I never have, I am Buddhist.”
Father: “Then why are telling me all this?”
Man: “I’m telling everybody!”

 

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his young wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, “What was the problem?” The elderly man said, “Well, I tried with my right hand… nothing. I tried with my left hand… nothing. So, my wife tried with her right hand… nothing. Her left hand… nothing. Then my wife’s friend tried. Right hand, left hand,… still nothing. The doctor replied, “Wait a minute, did you say your wife’s friend too?!” The elderly man answered, “Yeah, and we still couldn’t get the lid out of the specimen cup.”

 

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walked, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.” The husband says he can’t feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much. The husband says he still can’t feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

 

Two guys are standing in line to enter heaven. One turned around and asked the other how he died. “I froze to death. How about you?” “I had a heart attack.” “How did that happen?” “Well, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So, after work I went straight home. I ran upstairs to find my wife sleeping by herself. Then I ran back downstairs and looked in all the hiding spots. When I was running back up the stairs, I had a heart attack.” “That’s ironic.” “Why?” “If you would’ve looked in the fridge, we’d both be alive.”

 

Two friends die. One goes to Heaven and the other goes to Hell. The one that goes to Heaven begs the angel to let him visit his friend in Hell, and the angel agrees. He gets to Hell and sees his friend surrounded by beautiful women and alcohol everywhere. He says to his friend, “Wow, you were a son of a bitch when we were alive! Hell looks better than Heaven.” So, the friend in Hell says, “Pour yourself a glass of wine.” The heavenly friend pours the wine, and notices that the glass has no bottom. The good friend looks at the bad one in confusion, and the bad friend says, “The glass has no bottom, and neither do the girls. Welcome to Hell.”

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“Give it to me! Give it to me!” she yelled, “I’m so wet, give it to me now!”

She could scream all she wanted to. I am keeping the umbrella.

 

Three words to ruin a man’s ego.

“Is it in?”

 

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A: Because like all men, they won’t stop to ask directions.

Q: What does the receptionist at the sperm clinic say when clients are leaving?
A: “Thanks for coming!”

 

Contest in a girl’s college: write a short story which contains religion, sex and mystery.
Winner’s story: “Oh God, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it.”

 

Why do women wear panties with flowers on them?

In loving memory of all the faces that have been buried there.

 

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: “Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18-year-old.”
Father: “When was the last time you made a confession?”
Man: “I never have, I am Buddhist.”
Father: “Then why are telling me all this?”
Man: “I’m telling everybody!”

 

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his young wife pregnant. He went to the doctor to get a sperm count. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back. The elderly man came back the next day; the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. The doctor asked, “What was the problem?” The elderly man said, “Well, I tried with my right hand… nothing. I tried with my left hand… nothing. So, my wife tried with her right hand… nothing. Her left hand… nothing. Then my wife’s friend tried. Right hand, left hand,… still nothing. The doctor replied, “Wait a minute, did you say your wife’s friend too?!” The elderly man answered, “Yeah, and we still couldn’t get the lid out of the specimen cup.”

 

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labor. As they walked, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father. They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine. The doctor starts it off at 20% split towards the father. The wife says, “Oh, that’s actually better.” The husband says he can’t feel anything. Then the doctor turns it to 50% and the wife says that it doesn’t hurt nearly as much. The husband says he still can’t feel anything. The Doctor, now encouraged, turns it up to 100%. The husband still can’t feel anything, and the wife is really happy, because there is now no pain for her. The baby is born. The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain on the doorstep.

 

Two guys are standing in line to enter heaven. One turned around and asked the other how he died. “I froze to death. How about you?” “I had a heart attack.” “How did that happen?” “Well, I suspected my wife was cheating on me. So, after work I went straight home. I ran upstairs to find my wife sleeping by herself. Then I ran back downstairs and looked in all the hiding spots. When I was running back up the stairs, I had a heart attack.” “That’s ironic.” “Why?” “If you would’ve looked in the fridge, we’d both be alive.”

 

Two friends die. One goes to Heaven and the other goes to Hell. The one that goes to Heaven begs the angel to let him visit his friend in Hell, and the angel agrees. He gets to Hell and sees his friend surrounded by beautiful women and alcohol everywhere. He says to his friend, “Wow, you were a son of a bitch when we were alive! Hell looks better than Heaven.” So, the friend in Hell says, “Pour yourself a glass of wine.” The heavenly friend pours the wine, and notices that the glass has no bottom. The good friend looks at the bad one in confusion, and the bad friend says, “The glass has no bottom, and neither do the girls. Welcome to Hell.”

Subang man gets all-clear to renew passport after years of struggle

A code error by the immigration branch in Sarawak prevented Hafiz Hamid from renewing his passport and travelling overseas.

Hafiz Hamid’s troubles started in May 2018, when he was denied entry to Sarawak after going to Sibu to celebrate Gawai with friends. (Bernama pic)

PETALING JAYA:

 The immigration department has admitted that an error by its Sarawak branch caused a Subang Jaya man’s attempts to renew his passport to be blocked for years, preventing him from travelling overseas.

In a letter dated Jan 23, the department said a review by its security and passport division in Putrajaya found that the Sarawak branch had mistakenly entered a federal warning notice restriction code, which caused the renewal application to be blocked.

The code should have been for a Sarawak warning notice, which would have barred technical writer Hafiz Hamid from entering Sarawak, but allow him to renew his passport and travel overseas.

Hafiz’s troubles started in May 2018, when he was denied entry to Sarawak when he went to Sibu to celebrate Gawai with friends. Immigration officers showed him a notice indicating he was on a “suspects list”.

In 2020, he was unable to renew his passport after it expired, and he was told the reason was a “block placed by Sarawak immigration”.

The department’s letter this month was in reply to a letter of demand issued by his lawyer, Shamsher Singh Thind.

It said the federal restriction has been lifted, and Hafiz may now renew his passport at any passport office. However, the Sarawak restriction remains active.

Under the constitution, Sarawak has controls over its own immigration affairs.

Hafiz said he was relieved to finally be able to renew his passport after years of uncertainty.

Thanking FMT for highlighting his plight, he said: “In the end, I’m happy to get my passport after a seven-year struggle.” - FMT

RTS Link to have 100 e-gate lanes at Bukit Chagar complex

MRT Corp's CEO, Mohd Zarif Hashim, says the complex will also have other top-class facilities to minimise bottlenecks and ensure smooth passenger flow.

The ICQ facilities at Bukit Chagar will reinforce the RTS Link’s objective of operating as a world-class international gateway, said MRT Corp’s CEO, Mohd Zarif Hashim. (Bernama pic)

JOHOR BAHRU:

 The Johor Bahru-Singapore Rapid Transit System (RTS) Link will be equipped with 100 immigration e-gate lanes at the Bukit Chagar integrated immigration, customs and quarantine (ICQ) complex to streamline cross-border clearance between the two countries.

Malaysia Rapid Transit Corporation Sdn Bhd (MRT Corp) CEO Mohd Zarif Hashim said the e-gate facilities form a core component of the co-located ICQ model, which allows passengers to complete Malaysian and Singapore immigration clearance within a single facility as part of their rail journey.

He said the high-capacity e-gate system is designed to support efficient passenger movement and reduce congestion, particularly during peak travel periods.

“In addition to the 100 e-gate lanes, the Bukit Chagar ICQ complex will include 10 security screening lanes for body checks, 18 baggage scanners, and dedicated lanes for passengers travelling without luggage,” he told Bernama.

“They are all aimed at minimising bottlenecks and ensuring smooth passenger flow.”

He said the implementation of e-gates, supported by close cooperation between Malaysian and Singapore immigration authorities, including QR code passport clearance, would reduce reliance on manual checks.

Zarif said the RTS Link is projected to carry 40,000 passengers a day at the start of operations, with ridership expected to grow to about 140,000 passengers daily, potentially accounting for 30% to 40% of Causeway movements once the service matures.

The co-located ICQ facilities at Bukit Chagar are among the key features supporting the RTS Link’s objective of operating as a world-class international gateway, when it begins operations following construction completion on Dec 31, 2026, he said.

“In developing its customer experience framework, MRT Corp drew insights from established gateways such as KLIA, and benchmarked its approach against international standards, including Changi Airport,” he said. - FMT

“Zamri Vinoth should respect his non-Muslim ancestry, allow Hindus to celebrate Thaipusam in peace”

 

“YOUR conversion to Islam is your personal matter. But using that conversion as a licence to mock Hindu festivals and insult Hindu beliefs is disgraceful,” snubbed political activist Diccam Lourdes on the constant if not rampant mocking of the Hindu faith by Muslim convert preacher.

“What you are doing is not dakwah – not preaching – and certainly, not faith. It is provocation. It is hatred.”

The DAP Socialist Youth’s (DAPSY) Seputeh chairman was ticking off Zamri, 41, who was born Vinoth Kalimuthu after he mocked Malaysian Hindus as “parya” – a derogatory term referring to the lowly “pariah” caste – in relation to the Penang free ferry service in conjunction with Thaipusam from Jan 31 (12am) to Feb 2 (3am).

For context, the known staunch follower of controversial preacher Dr Zakir Naik is currently engaged in a spat with Hindus after he sided rightist Muslims who claim many Hindu temples and shrines are erected on illegal sites.

“Are you guys aware that Parya in India are also not eligible for free land? This means the illegal temple gang is more despicable than the Parya for they want everything free,” Zamri was deemed to have reacted in a Facebook screenshot to an Astro Awani report on the free ferry service in conjunction with Thaipusam.

This prompted Diccam who is also a special duties officer (operations) at the Human Resources Minister’s office to remind Zamri that freedom of religion does not give anyone the right to humiliate others.

“Mockery is not courage. Insults are not truth. And stirring religious hatred only exposes a poverty of character … If you truly value your faith, practise it with dignity. Stop turning religion into a weapon and Malaysia into your battleground.”

‘MIC Youth seek Gobind’s intervention’

Stressing that Malaysia does not belong to one race or one religion, National MIC Youth urged the PDRM (Royal Malaysia Police) and relevant authorities to immediately investigate and take legal action against Zamri under existing provisions.

But whether such plea will be heeded is left to be seen given Zamri has continued to spew racial/religious discord and hatred even with over 900 police reports allegedly been lodged against him.

This country stands on the Federal Constitution, the Rukun Negara and the principle of respect,”

Individuals who deliberately divide the people with religious and racial sentiments should not be left without firm action.

Individuals who deliberately divide the people with religious and racial sentiments should not be left without firm action.

In this regard, MIC Youth further expressed hope that the sole representative of the Indian community at the Cabinet level – Digital Minister Gobind Singh Deo – “will also take appropriate action and not remain silent against open insults like this”.

“Enough of playing with racial fire. The law does not discriminate between race or religion,” rued the youth wing of purportedly Malaysia’s biggest Indian-based political party.

Nationwide police report

Finally, one netizen rallied Hindus to lodge nationwide police and Malaysian Communications and Multimedia Commission (MCMC) reports against Zamri given his comment “appears to touch on ‘3R’ (race, religion and royalty) sensitivities”.

“The comment uses inflammatory language that may violate Malaysian laws regarding public harmony and online conduct,” observed Balachandran Gopal who is a Royal College of Physicians and Surgeon’s Glasgow and a Royal College of Podiatry member.

He outlined three potential violations:

• Derogatory terms: The use of the word “Parya” (Pariah) is a derogatory caste-based slur used to insult the Indian community;
• Religious insults: Phrases like “geng kuil haram” (illegal temple gang) and mocking religious observances (Thaipusam) can be seen as insulting a specific religion;
• Provocation: The statement “lagi hina dari parya” (more despicable than pariahs) could be interpreted as intentional insult to provoke a breach of the peace.

The law provisions that can be cited include:

• Section 233 of the Communications and Multimedia Act 1998: For the improper use of network facilities to create/transmit offensive comments with the intent to annoy, abuse, threaten or harass.
• Section 298A of the Penal Code: For causing disharmony, disunity or feelings of enmity, hatred or ill-will on grounds of religion.
• Section 504 of the Penal Code: Intentional insult with intent to provoke a breach of the peace. – Focus Malaysia

Muslim e-hailing riders in dilemma over delivering non-halal items should find alternative employment

 

A TOUGH economic climate means that hard decisions have to be made to simply survive. But that choice is made even more difficult when it involves religious sensitivities, specifically the delivery of non-halal items by Muslim e-hailing riders.

More than 100,000 Muslim food delivery drivers or riders nationwide are apparently in a dilemma because at times they are forced to deliver non-halal food to customers, according to a Malay language Utusan Malaysia online report.

According to a religious doubts Q&A (question and answer) by the Penang state mufti, a Muslim who works in a food delivery job should not deliver pork-based food or other haram items even to non-Muslim customers.

“If this situation continues, he should try to find a more halal job that is pleasing to Allah SWT,” stated the response to a question posed by a Grab food delivery rider “who’s unable to run away from accepting non-halal orders”.

However, if his main job is to deliver halal food but in certain situations he has to deliver non-halal food to avoid losing his job, then it is permissible with the hope that Allah SWT will forgive his slippage.

In this situation, he should purify some of his income obtained from the haram delivery by chanelling it for the benefit of Muslims.

By the way, the Utusan Malaysia snippet was shared on its Facebook page which at the time of writing has garnered 1.2K likes, 1.7K comments and 104 shares.

Many commenters were quite perplexed by the dilemma, highlighting that they are NOT forced to accept the delivery order. There is no coercion involved and the riders have the right to decline.

One commenter wondered why this is a problem as the riders are just delivering not consuming the items.

What about the money we touch or even the air we breathe? Isn’t it similarly contaminated, queried some confused commenters.

A sarcastic jibe that the concept of haram/halal be extended to e-hail cars and their passengers and luggage was, however, met with a few retorts.

One speaking from experience thoroughly explained his stance in a very considered manner but another decided to call it out for its mocking tone.

One commenter gave a very considered response to the dilemma, equating the delivery job to a doctor treating a patient’s stomach.

By ensuring the customer’s hunger pangs are satisfied is a job well done and that should be the focus and source of pride for the delivery riders. That the food items are non-halal is inconsequential.

As can be seen from the comments, majority of non-Muslim commenters are of the opinion that it should not matter.

Some have argued that if one is indeed uncomfortable delivering non-halal items they will have to just decline the order or register with a platform that allows them to be halal-only delivery riders.

As quite a few pointed out, if it is really too much of a burden, just change one’s occupation.

However, on the flip side, there were considered explanations as to why these matters to Muslim riders. But even then, it was conceded that it was a matter of choice.

As these are tough economic times, it is doubtlessly tough to look for a job that is not in collision course with one’s faith.

But the reality is that these e-hail drivers are not coerced into delivering non-halal items or indeed be an e-hail rider. The choice is, indeed, theirs. – Focus Malaysia