SATURDAY JOKES - 336

 

Mt. Kinabalu, Sabah, Malaysia.

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old lady turns to the other and asks, “Do you still get horny?” The other replies, “Oh sure, I do.” The first old lady asks, “What do you do about It?” The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.” After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?” I love all the stars in the sky, but they are nothing compared to the ones in your eyes!

 

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.

The note read…

“The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents!”

 

Your father must be a gangster because you are like dynamite!

 

A guy walks into the local bar one Friday afternoon when he gets out of work.

As he steps up to the bar he sees his good friend Joe throw down 2 shots, he had a frown on his face.
“What’s with the long face, Joe?” asked the guy.
Joe responds, “My wife told me today that she was only going to have sex with me on Mondays, and Thursdays!”

“Well,” said the friend, “That’s not that bad, some of us she has cut off completely!”

 

When the donut married the roll of toilet paper, the priest said: “be fruit-filled and multi-ply.”

 

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explained. “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.

Fifty feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.

The man was astonished. He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!

He ran over to the woman and demanded, ” What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?”

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.

It said:

“Hare Spray’ Restores Life to Dead Hare!”

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.”
“I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.”
“The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $9.80.”
“Then my wife’s father died and left us ten million dollars!”

Was that an earthquake, or did you rock my world?

A primary school teacher was instructing her students on the value of coins.

She took a 50 sen coin and laid it on her desk. “Can any of you tell me what it is?” she asked.
From the back of the room came the answer: “Tails!”

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