Taking flight from the Malaysian caliphate

SATIRE | Following the declaration of the nation as a caliphate as reported by fellow columnist Mariam Mokhtar on Friday, there was no reason for any re-assessment of the plans.

The conclusion was inevitable. We were one of the last batches of kafirs (infidels) to take flight from a country which we had called home for almost seven decades.

The farewell party hosted by my brethren of all races had been a sedate affair at the five-star hotel. Food was plentiful but the only beverage that could be served was air sirap. We could not even get a can of cola because it was considered to have originated from the US and the shareholders were Yahudi (Jewish).

Speeches were made and we embraced each other and said our goodbyes in private. We talked about the good times, the camaraderie and the friendship between the believers and the nons. In public, they wouldn’t want to be seen touching a kafir. Two friends stood at the locked door of the private room in case the religious police walked in.

The journey to the airport was uneventful. But I was separated from the wife and daughter who were ushered to the “Women Only” coach on the fast train while I sat among the men, some of whom were in Arab robes.

At the airport check-in counter, the burqa-clad lady at the counter cleared us fast. She was happy to see the back of us - another family of infidels leaving the caliphate.

At the security checkpoint, I produce a card stating that I have an electronic device for my heart ailment inserted in my body. I didn’t have to go through the scanning device. I was not frisked either, because no one wants to touch an infidel.

On the aerotrain to the gates, we are once again separated. The shelves of the duty-free shop were empty. The gift of single-malt whisky for my friend was nowhere to be seen.

“We don’t sell arak (alcoholic drinks). It’s haram (forbidden),” the tudung-clad salesgirl tells me. Next door, the ladies went to get their brand of perfume. “Sorry, we don’t stock these brands “kerana jenis barangan itu mengandungi alcohol.” (We don’t stock the brands as they contain alcohol.)

In the waiting lounge, we are separated again - one half for men and other half for women. I wonder where transgender people and crossdressers would be seated.

I look at the boarding passes again. Hey presto, we have been allocated seats 26D, E, and F. I wondered why we have been allowed to be seated together. I asked a fellow traveller in a skull cap.

“Dalam kapal terbang OK. Tak akan orang nak ada hubungan atau maksiat,” he says. (On the aircraft, it is okay, there’s no likelihood of sexual or vice activities.) Poor man, the caliph never knew about the mile-high club!

Malaysian products only

Nothing eventful happens on the plane. The stewards (it’s an all-male crew) push along the trolley offering drinks. I don’t usually take alcoholic drinks on a flight and asked for a peppered tomato juice with a dash of Tabasco sauce.

The English-speaking steward apologised profusely. It is the company policy, he says, to serve only beverages produced in Malaysia as it does not want to support any foreign organisation which always has links with the Yahudi (Jews).

“We only stock made-in-Malaysia juices. Unfortunately, Kelantan does not have the expertise to make tomato juice.”

I settle for a glass of air jamubut and tell him that it is from Indonesia. “They are our brothers - same religion, same race,” he says.

No complaints about the food as nothing has changed in the menu – nasi lemak telanjang as Chef Wan would say. We arrive at our destination and take a taxi to the hotel, owned and operated by a Malaysian plantation company.

I fill the registration card and am startled to discover that I have to state my religion. The front office manager says it’s a requirement because two floors have been allocated for non-believers.

In the room, I switch on the television. Something is blaring in Arabic. I don’t understand a word. I surf the channels and discover someone speaking in English. It was an evangelical channel and the speaker looks familiar.

It was Zakir Naik extolling all matters relating to sex. He is happily condemning one non-Muslim after another, making all kinds of claims and allegations. I wondered who ever listens to him.

Judicial system disbanded

It’s late into the night when I get Internet connection. From the BBC News website, I learn that the judicial system in my country has been disbanded. All judges have been sacked and many will be employed by the religious courts after they go for retraining.

Most of the law firms are closing shop because they have no standing to appear before religious court judges. The caliphate is falling back on the ruling of the Federal Court which re-established the bar against non-believers from practising in religious courts.

That ruling was made in 2013 in the case of lawyer Victoria Jayaseele Martin who wanted to appear in the Federal Territories religious courts.

The attorney-general’s contract and those of his officers have been terminated, and they too are heading overseas with their families.

Elsewhere, the two breweries have been ordered shut and this means there will be a shortfall of RM3 billion in taxes. Import of liquor has been banned, and another RM2 billion in revenue lost. How’s the caliphate going to balance its books? They can’t get that kind of money from manufacturers of syrup concentrate! Thousands of workers have been retrenched and are on the streets.

Crime has reached such levels that everyone prefers to stay at home. Just like in some African countries, the Datuks and Tan Sris and their wives and girlfriends have armed escorts when they go out shopping or to the club.

Licences of pubs and cafes have been revoked; hotels have been ordered not to serve alcohol; convenience stores have been directed not to sell alcoholic drinks. The front office staff have been told to demand the marriage certificate of any couple that checks in together.

The stock market has taken a dive after these developments and the index dropped to three figures in brisk trading, wiping out several billions off the market capitalisation.

Panic selling had been the order of the day and there has been a run on the banks. There’s no more money in the automated teller machines and long queues of people are queuing up outside banks from midnight.

What happened?

What happened to such a prosperous nation which was blessed with natural resources and so many factories and industries? Overnight, it has been doom and gloom.

First, the kleptocrat and his cronies cleaned the system of billions, and then the caliph imposed his rule and values subjecting the people to antiquated laws and archaic regulations.

It was a disaster waiting to happen when the people started supporting religious zealots. Afraid of being labelled as “liberal”, they supported the movement.

Many bird-brained leaders saw religion as their salvation not in the afterlife, but to avoid punishment for their sins, including corruption and thievery.

The whole nation has paid because many believed that the Man above was the answer to all the woes and ills that had inflicted the nation.

The remaining were corrupt ones who hoped that there would be a safety net when they were pulled up for all their misuse and abuse of power and money. All these people - their actions and inaction have led the country into a free fall.

It’s too late to ask: Why didn’t we stop it when it all started?

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R NADESWARAN believes that unless there is control over religious extremism and racism, these imaginary anecdotes will become a reality. Comments: citizen.nades22@gmail.com. - Mkini