In ancient Greece, the multi-headed, mythological Lernaean Hydra, terrorised people, feasted on humans and lived in a spring, as it stood guard over one of the entrances to the underworld. Jakim is our bureaucratic Hydra.
Does "Malaysia Baru" need Jakim? Why does the government, be it Umno Baru or Pakatan Harapan, treat its citizens like infants, who are easily swayed to becoming heathen?
Like the Hydra, Jakim strikes fear in people. The various departments of Jakim function as the multi-headed Hydra to regulate our behaviour and prepare us for the afterlife.
Like the Hydra, Jakim is a very powerful body and is accountable to no one. It controls the lives of millions of people, both Muslim (by direct influence) and non-Muslim (insidiously or by stealth).
In February 2018, Tengku Razaleigh Hamzah accused Dr Mahathir Mohamad of forming Jakim in 1996 to stem growing interest in PAS. Mahathir dismissed these claims and said that Jakim was to bring the country closer to Islam and not contradict Islamic teachings.
So, has Jakim broken the rules? If there is no compulsion in Islam, why does it treat conversion as a numbers game?
Whilst we were focused on the Bateq tragedy in Kelantan, many of us almost missed the report, on 21 June, that the Kelantan Islamic Affairs and Malay Customs Council (MAIK) planned to convert all Orang Asli to Islam within 30 years.
This is a cunning plan to control the Orang Asli, and subvert their ancestral rights. Conversions are usually accompanied by a cash injection, and a promise to build homes, often on land that is sterile and unproductive. Jakim is wiping out whole communities; their language, culture and way of life.
More shocking is the revelation that Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia (UKM) is complicit in these conversions. Around 5,000 of the 16,000 Orang Asli have been converted, and 500 people are targeted each year for the next 30 years. Over 100 MAIK missionaries and community workers are overseen by Jakim.
On 28 June, the Kelantan government championed 27-year-old Nur Amalina Ismail, as the "Kelantan Community Icon 2019" because she had converted 20 Orang Asli to Islam over the past five years. This is modern-day bounty hunting.
Few people know the origins of Jakim. In the late 1960s, the Council of Rulers requested the formation of a unit to monitor Muslim interests, and by the mid-70s, its functions were incorporated into the Prime Minister's Department, when it was renamed the Islamic Affairs Department (Baheis).
On becoming prime minister in 1981, Mahathir saw Jakim's usefulness to the halal industry. By 1996, Jakim didn't just deal with halal issues, it started to regulate us.
Today, Jakim tells you which books you can read. It snoops on you, if you are in love. It controls what you eat, and decides the names of certain foods (hot dogs). Images of pigs are censored, crucifixes are forced to be hidden and in some areas, dogs are culled with impunity, because they are considered "unclean" in Jakim's version of Islam.
Despite calls for education to unite children, tahfiz schools are widespread and most are unregulated. Despite sex being a taboo subject, child marriages are allowed, the different sexes cannot mix, women must cover up and yet porn viewing is prolific.
Claims by certain Muslims and non-Muslims that Jakim's directives only affect Muslims are not true. Some non-Muslim school children suffer during Ramadan. Indira Gandhi's daughter was kidnapped by her convert husband, and pastor Raymond Koh, who was accused of proselytising Malays, was abducted.
The LGBT community are at Jakim's mercy and effeminate boys are shipped to boot camps to have their tendencies 'whipped' out of them.
The irony is that over the years, billions of ringgit and resources have been poured into Jakim, but instead of enlightening Muslim Malaysians, Jakim has merely succeeded in oppressing both Muslims and non-Muslims.
Despite its oppression, successive governments have increased Jakim's powers and budget. Jakim cannot claim to be a success because Umno Baru and PAS politicians maintain that Islam needs protecting and Malays still need defending.
Jakim is like the New Economic Policy's affirmative action policies, which have not succeeded in making the Malays more economically successful. Despite its failure, the NEP has thrived for decades.
Jakim functions as a convenient tool to control the minds and behaviour of Malaysians - both Muslims (directly) and non-Muslims (by stealth).
This time last year, there was hope that Mahathir would study and restructure Jakim. Today, there is little evidence of this happening. Instead, Jakim has been awarded extra powers to prosecute those who insult Islam.
Jakim's accounts have not been audited, nor do we know the budget allocation of each department. Functions like determining the halal status of foods can be subsumed by other ministries. Under the Education Ministry, tahfiz schools could be regulated and have a proper curriculum.
Instead of focusing on rituals and behavioural control, Jakim could do more good by punishing errant husbands, banning child marriages, banning polygamy, asserting the rights of single mothers and abandoned wives, and improving inter-community relations.
"New Malaysia" needs a politician with the courage to cull Jakim, or reduce its budget, so as to curb its lust for power and control; but don't hold your breath.
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