SATURDAY JOKES - 132

 

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said "look there up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're going to get busted for drinking these beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinking these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What for?", asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talking, OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight and put labels on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys have been drinking?"

"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch!"

 

During work, Mike and John are chatting...

Mike: "I've been taking night courses for five months now and I have an examination next week."

John: "Oh!"
Mike: "For example, do you know who Graham Bell is?"
John: "No."
Mike: "He is the inventor of the telephone in 1876. If you take night courses you would know this."
The next day the same discussion took place:
Mike: "Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?"
John: "No."
Mike: "He is the author of "The 3 Musketeers". If you took night courses you would know this."
The next day, once again:
Mike: "And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?"
John: "No."
Mike: "He's the author of "Confessions", if you took night courses you would know this."
Now this time, John got irritated and said, "And do you know who Steven Turner is?"
Mike: "No."

"He is the guy sleeping with your wife! If you stopped your night classes, you would know this!"

 

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone.

He opened his new law office but business was very slow at first. 

One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived.

As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking...

"No! absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million..."

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support..."
"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details..."
This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions.
Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.

"I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied, "I'm from the phone company...I came to hook up your phone!"

 

A co-worker named Celsius recently retired from work, so they hired a guy named Fahrenheit to replace him.

He is our new temp!

 

Why shouldn't you write with a broken pencil?

Because it is pointless!

  

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honeycomb!

 

Why are frogs so happy?

They eat whatever bugs them!

  

Why did a scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field!

IN PRISON ... You spend the majority of your time in an 8 by 10 cell. 

AT WORK ... You spend most of your time in a 6 by 8 cubicle. 
IN PRISON ... You get three meals a day. 
AT WORK ... You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it. 
IN PRISON ... You get time off for good behaviour. 
AT WORK ... You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work. 
IN PRISON ... A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

AT WORK ... You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. 
IN PRISON ... You can watch TV and play games. 
AT WORK ... You get fired for watching TV and playing games. 
IN PRISON ... You get your own toilet. 
AT WORK ... You have to share. 
IN PRISON ... They allow your family and friends to visit. 
AT WORK ... You cannot even speak to your family and friends. 
IN PRISON ... All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. 
AT WORK ... You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners. 
IN PRISON ... You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. 
AT WORK ... You spend most of your time wanting to get out and to go inside bars. 
IN PRISON ... There are wardens who are often sadistic. 
AT WORK ... They are called supervisors.

When I finally left my last place of work, it was just like being released from prison, as I was free to do whatever I wanted to!!!

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