SUNDAY JOKES - 236

 

Tuaran, Sabah, Malaysia

A man takes his hamster to the vet and after a short look at the creature, the vet pronounces it dead.

Not happy with the vet's diagnosis, the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.
"There," says the vet. "Your hamster is dead."
Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion.
The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking its head.

"It's definitely dead, sir," says the vet.

Convinced, the man asks how much he owes.

"That will be RM1000, please."

"RM1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead?" fumes the man.

"Well," says the vet.... "There's my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan."

 

Teacher: Are you good in history?
Little Johnny: Yes and no.
Teacher: What does that mean?

Little Johnny: Yes, I’m no good in history!

 

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping centre. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and be home before the New Year!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the cashier. "With that monsoon blowing viciously out there and with this brand-new broom you have here, you'll be home in no time!"

 

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

A little boy was sitting outside a store eating one snickers candy bar after another, when an older man walked up and said: "You shouldn't be eating so much candy, it'll rot your teeth, it's just bad for you to eat so much candy."
The little boy looked up and said: "My grandfather lived to be 95 years old."
The older man asked: "Oh? by eating snickers candy bars?"

The little boy said: "No... by minding his own business!"

 

A police officer responded to a report of a bar-room disturbance.

The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the officer and was the "Heavy-weight Boxing Champion of the World."

Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist too, probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the officer continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.
"I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the officer asked.
The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."

"In that case," said the officer, "you're under arrest!"

 

Steven is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.
Steven's girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend's house.
She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steven sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn't exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steven decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and started hugging and kissing her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Steven and his girlfriend resume their places at the dinner table, nobody said a word.
A few minutes later, Steven grabs his girlfriend's mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.
Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steven remembered his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.
With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend's father backs away from the table and exclaims, "Okay, enough is enough, I'll do the damn dishes!"

 

A young boy from Penang goes off to college. Halfway through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Kolej Korona that will teach our dog, Coco how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do we get Coco into that program?" "Just send him down here with RM1,000" the young boy says. "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and RM1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.

The boy calls home. "So, how's Coco doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Coco into that program?" "Just send RM2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read... so he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Coco? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Coco was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that young lady who lives in town?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer and then went into politics!!!

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