The trial of Gnanep

First charge:

a) That you being the members of the Council of Ministers of the state of Gnanep, (hereafter referred to as the Council), between 12am and 1am on the morning of 19th September 2017, did wilfully and illegally communicate with and connived with the Almighty to cause hardship and misery and cause its subjects of the state to suffering;

b) During the same communication, the Council also conveyed to the Almighty to gather heavy clouds over the state;

c) Between 3am and 7am when the sea tide was at its highest, the Council communicated with the same Almighty to cause the heavens to open up and bring more water, fish and crocodiles to increase the wildlife population;

d) Furthermore, through another communication an hour after the downpour, the council convinced the Almighty to create secret tunnels to the neighbouring states to wit, Hadek and Karep, to move the rainwater from Gnanep and cause further suffering by the residents dwelling there;

e) As a result of your unsanctioned and unauthorised communication, 270mm of rainfall fell over a four-hour period as requested/demanded in your communication;

Members of the Council have therefore committed an offence under Section 21(2)(iv) of the Forbidden to Act with Forbidden Persons Act 1789. Upon conviction, you are liable to make a reasonable sum (to be decided by the court) to be donated to the “real and authorised” communicators, which they can use for any purpose they deem fit, including political funding.

Furthermore, members of the Council will be prevented from entering places of worship for periods not exceeding two electoral terms.

Second charge:

a) That you being members of the Council between 12am and 7am on the morning of 19th September 2017, on three occasions did wilfully and illegally communicate with and the Almighty without authorisation from the Majlis Ketua Ketua Padri Persekutuan; an offence under Section 76(1.2)(vii)(c) of the Wrongful Communication Act 1951 which carries a punishment of being barred from using any form of instant communication tools for a period of up to 10 years.

The trial

Yesterday, at a specially convened sitting of the Ecclesiastical Court, 11 men of cloth carrying their respective holy books took their oaths as members of the jury. The jurors were dressed in their religious garb while the eight defendants, in all-white party uniform to signify purity, sat in the dock and listened attentively as the head of the Crown Prosecution Office (CPO) addressed the court.

He said that the police started investigations after a group of worshippers complained that the Council’s action or inaction caused several places in the state to be flooded. In their report, it was stated that the Council “prayed” for the flock to enjoy “seaside-like” facilities on the roads and in their houses.

Discreet investigations by a special unit revealed that during the times stated in the charge sheet, worshippers could not communicate with the Almighty because of several “man-made interventions.” The Almighty could not hear prayers that the rain be diverted elsewhere.

Suspecting something amiss, the CPO head said, reinforcements including several IT experts were roped in to get to the bottom of the issue.

“As a result of intensive forensic audits and interviews, we discovered the IP addresses of the defendants. On checking further, we established that their Internet services were being heavily and continuously used between 12am and 1am on 19th September 2017,” he said.

He added that further checks with evangelists and angels revealed that the Almighty was busy and his aides foiled all attempts to communicate with Him. It was reported that the Almighty was “busy on the line with some important people from Mother Earth” and had given strict instructions that he should not be disturbed.

“Members of the jury, it is not a coincidence. Please note the times very carefully. The eight were busy on the Internet and the Almighty was also incommunicado (to others) during the same period,” said the prosecutor.

Some members of the jury reached for their pockets for the rosaries and beads and started murmuring their prayers.

“Gentlemen, what more proof do you want? When the defendants were asked to account for the floods and take responsibility, they religiously and unison said: ‘It was an act of God’.

“I rest my case,” said the prosecutor and sat down.

Publicity seekers

The venerable defence counsel rose from his chair, looked at the jury box pensively and started his address: “This is the folly of having listened to a bunch of publicity seekers. They want their five minutes of fame and happily pose in front of police stations with their police reports.

“The media gives this bunch of people coverage and they continue to make demands in the name of the Almighty. What would do they do next? Perhaps, in future, they will argue that a conspiracy by Western leaders abetted by Eastern leaders resulted in the sun rising in the east and setting in the west. They would seek divine intervention to ensure it rises and sets in the same place – the Middle East.”

The prosecutor jumps up from his chair and exclaims: “Your Honour, my learned friend is assuming things.”

“Overruled.”

Counsel argued that calamities like floods, earthquakes and eruption of volcanoes are not man-made and that man has no means of reaching the Almighty in any manner.

Your Honour, the defence counsel said, it is a coincidence that the ministers were busy on the Internet during that period. He said the ministers were working throughout the night to prepare for their weekly cabinet meeting in the morning.

The prosecutor stood to object saying that it was hearsay evidence and should not be accepted.

Counsel replied: “The crux of the matter is that the Almighty was contacted by my clients. Could the prosecution produce the Almighty as a witness to support this theory?”

The jurors looked at one another and then turned their eyes to the judge, who replied: “I am postponing the case indefinitely until the Almighty takes the witness stand. In the meantime, I am giving all the accused persons a discharge not amounting to an acquittal.

“By the way, Mr Prosecutor, if you need me to sign a warrant of arrest for the Almighty if he refuses to testify, I will gladly do so,” the judge said, as the court warden shouted, “Bangun!”

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R NADESWARAN says that sometimes satire is the best way to deal with bigots and fanatics who draw the name of the Almighty at the drop of a hat and run to the police with frivolous complaints. Comments: citizen.nades22@gmail.com.- Mkini