SATURDAY JOKES - 128

 

It was a disastrous year for the farmers. The snow fell and fell until the government relief agency had to step in and lend a hand.
"It must have been terrible," said the government man to a farmer. "All that snow."

"Could have been worse," calmly answered the farmer. "My neighbour had more snow than me."

"How's that?" asked the government man.

"More land," replied the farmer!

I don't know if you've ever been to England but as soon as they find out you're from America, they hate you. They just think they're more sophisticated than the Americans are. They're so pissed at the Americans. You know what it is? They're mad because they lost the Revolutionary War and they should be because there was only like nine Americans!

Starting the car for the long trip back into the city, Thorn and Bill said their final good-byes to their good friend, Curly David.
"Thanks for putting us up for the weekend, pal," said Thorn.

"The food was great and the booze was superb and I really enjoyed making love to your wife."

Shortly after hitting the road, Bill turned to Thorn and said, "I hope you weren't serious about enjoying making love to his wife!"

"No, I wasn't serious. She was lousy!"

Q. What is the cheapest meat?

A. Deer balls, they are under a ringgit!

 

Q: Why are blondes constantly running out of ice?

A: They forgot the recipe!

Q: How many archaeologists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three. One to change it and two to argue about how old the old one is!

 

Q: How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb ?

A: Five. Four to do it in perfect synchrony and one to stand there saying "To the left, and to the left, and to the left, and to the left, and take it out, and put it down, and pick it up, and put it in, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right, and to the right..."

 

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open-air day after day for some 75 years now."
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk!"

A wealthy merchant of 84 years married a 25-year-old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Langkawi but, unfortunately, the old boy suffered a coronary attack and was hospitalized.
When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of RM 500,000 a year, my mansion in Kenny Hills, my large palm oil estate in Johore and my Mercedes 600S. You'll never need to worry about money."
"Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed. "You've been so good to me already. If you go, I'll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you. Please, tell me what I can do?"

"Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters!"

A nun and a priest were travelling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course) and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally, the priest said to the nun, "you know sister, I am about to die and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth - to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "Forget about me. Stick it in the camel!!!"

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