SUNDAY JOKES -142

 

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started way back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short ...
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography!

 

I owed my friend Ahmad RM 25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. 

The whole time, I had the money on me - he didn't know it. Walking down Petaling Street, at 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Give me all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "Ahmad, here is the 25 ringgit I owe you." 

The thief took a thousand ringgit out of his own money and he gave it to Ahmad. At gunpoint, he made me borrow a thousand ringgit from Ahmad!

 

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away Cause I'm Not Raking 'til Spring."

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time!"

 

There were 79 unprovoked shark attacks last year. Unprovoked - do we need that word in there? Are there people provoking shark attacks? Is there some guy from Jersey in the water: Hey shark, you phreak looking at me? Did you get a problem or something? I got something for you to bite right here!

 

A blonde walked into a diner and orders a cup of coffee. When she gets her drink; she notices that it has a "contest game piece" on the side of the cup. She peels off the sticker and instantly starts screaming, "I won a motor home!" She continues shouting, "I won a motor home!" until the waitress decides to get her boss. 

"What's the problem here?" the manager asks. "I won a motor home!" she shouts again. "That's impossible!" he replies. "We didn't give out motor homes." She says "Well, it says so on this sticker." 

The boss takes the sticker and reads it. It says: "Win a bagel!"

 

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"
"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."
"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"
"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.
"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow.
"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"

"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!!!"

An insurance agent's wife was learning to drive when the brakes failed. 

"What should I do?" she cried. 

"Brace yourself, and try to hit something cheap!"

 

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her." 

Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?" The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who then took Eve by the hand and led her to a nearby bush. 

A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you, Lord. That was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve. "And Adam said, "What is 'caress'?" So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.

Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss!" And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve". 

And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?" So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"

 

A Russian party official arrives late at night to his hotel (in Russia). He is not surprised to find that his reservation has been mislaid but he is more than a little peeved that his status in the party isn't enough to get him a good room anyway. However, the clerk insists, the only bed they have left is the fourth bunk in a 4-bed dormitory - he'll have to make do with that. The Russian grumbles but eventually he picks up his suitcase and heads for the dormitory. On his way, he meets a chamber-maid and thinking he might as well try to make friends with his room-mates, he asks her to bring the four cups of tea.

As he enters the dormitory, he finds that the other three guests are Polish, they are having a fairly wild party and they're very drunk. They also ignore him totally from the moment he enters. After sitting there for several minutes, he realizes he can't stand them anymore and decides to pull a joke on them. He stands up, grasps a floor lamp, and speaking into the light-bulb as if it were a microphone he says:
"Comrade Colonel, we would like four cups of tea to our room immediately!" The Poles stare at him in disbelief, which turns to horror as the chamber-maid knocks on the door and delivers the tea a few minutes later. In about 30 seconds the Poles have all packed their bags and fled the hotel. Our Russian gets the entire room to himself. He sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, however, as he's checking out and is about to leave, the desk-clerk calls after him:
"By the way, Sir, the Comrade Colonel said to tell you he appreciated your little joke last night!"

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