THURSDAY JOKES - 144

 

One day, Einstein had to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that he looks a bit like him: “I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!” The driver agrees: “You’re right. As your driver, I have attended all of them and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could talk at the conference in your place.”“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.The driver looks at him, dead in the eye and says :“Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me!”

So there was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living. He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was pulled, sparks flew and smoke filled the air - but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine. Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.“You know what? No,” said the executioner. “I’ve had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I’m not giving you a thing to eat; we’re strapping you in and doing this now.” Well, it was against protocol but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room - and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.The man looked at the executioner and said, “Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bad conductor!

A Mormon and an Irishman are on a plane. The Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.” The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Me, too, I didn’t know we had a choice!”

 

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”

Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles!”

 

What’s the difference between a mechanic and a doctor? 

A mechanic fixes his mistakes… A doctor buries his!

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef!

What happens to illegally parked frogs? 

They get toad!

A lion will never cheat on his wife. 

But a Tiger Wood!

Did you hear about the Italian chef who died recently? 

He pasta way!

A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip. The wife answers: “Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?” The husband laughs and says: “An Italian girl,…!!!” The woman kept quiet and left. Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: “So, honey, how was the trip?” “Very good, thank you.” “And, what happened to my present?” “Which present?” She asked. “The one I asked for - an Italian girl,..!!” “Oh, that” she said, "Well I did what I could, now we have to wait nine months to see if it is a girl!"

My cousin, Donald Godwin went to get his Social Security payment process started. But he forgot his relevant papers which were left on the kitchen table at home.

The lady at the Social Security office told him he needed proof of birth before they could get things started. He pulled down his shirt and said, “Don’t these grey hairs on my chest prove I’m 65?”

She said, “All right sir, I believe you. But we have to have definitive proof. You’ll need to bring in your birth certificate.”

He goes back home and his wife says, “Fool, I know you didn’t get the Social Security started. Your papers are laying right here.”

“Oh, I got it started,” he says.

“How did you do that?” she asked.

“I just showed them the grey hairs on my chest,” he says.

She says, “You should have pulled down your pants and gotten disability, too!

 

Chizzie and Rita go to a counsellor after 15 years of marriage. The counsellor asks them what the problem is and Rita goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they have been married.

Finally, the counsellor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces Rita and kisses her passionately. Rita shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counsellor turns to Chizzie and says, “This is what Rita needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

Chizzie thinks for a moment and replies, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays in the morning. Other days, I will be busy on the golf course!”

 

A Chinese trained doctor could not find a job in the hospital in Malaysia, so he opens his own clinic and puts up a sign outside.

It reads     "GET TREATED FOR RM20.       IF NOT CURED - GET BACK RM100,"

A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn RM 100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Doctor: "Nurse, bring the medicine in Box No.13 and put 4 drops on the patient's tongue."

Lawyer: "Och! This is kerosene."

Doctor: "Congrats. Your sense of taste is restored, Give me RM 20."

The fuming lawyer pays him and then comes back a week later determined to get back RM 100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak. I cannot see at all."

Doctor: "Well I do not have any medicine for that, so take this RM 100."

Lawyer: "But this is a RM 20 note, not RM 100."

Doctor: "Congrats, your eyesight is fully restored. Give me back my RM 20 and another RM 20 for the treatment!"

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