TUESDAY JOKES - 141

 

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

When I moved out to Los Angeles, they told me I had to work out. I was like, I don't want to do that. They gave me this trainer and the dude was like... The most important thing is, you can't eat late at night or you'll get fat. And I'm like, forget that you are supposed to eat late at night. He was like, No you're not. I'm like, well, why did they put a light in the refrigerator?

A woman was on the witness stand, accused of poisoning her husband.
"After you put poison in the coffee, you sat at the breakfast table and watched your husband drink it. Tell me, didn't you feel the slightest bit of pity for him?" the defence attorney prompted.
"Yes," she replied, "I think there was one moment when I felt sorry for him."
"And when was that?"
"When he asked for his second cup!"

While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually, the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your wife celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you going to do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took my misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to pick her up!"

Q: How can you tell when a blonde has been working on your computer?
A: There is cheese by the mouse!

John, a well-to-do bachelor, invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the meal, Mom couldn't help notice how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was and wondered if there was more going on than meets the eye. John sensing what his mother was thinking said to her "I know what you're thinking, Mom, but I assure you my relationship with the housekeeper is purely professional."
A week later, the housekeeper told John that ever since his mother's visit a silver gravy ladle has been missing. John sent his mother a note which said, "Mom, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you didn't but the fact remains one has been missing since you were here".
A few days later he receives a note from his mother. "John: I'm not saying you sleep with your housekeeper, nor am I saying you're not. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom".

A friend and I were golfing one day when at the 18th hole this guy came out of nowhere and asks if he could join us. I told him, "Well, we're just about done but if you want to join us tomorrow you can. We start at 8 o'clock."
He said, "Great! I'll be here at 8 o'clock, maybe 8:05..."
So, the next day he shows up at 8 o'clock and plays scratch golf; he was good. We were going to play again the next day and we invited him to join us. He said, "Great! I'll be here at 8 o'clock, maybe 8:05..."
So, the next day he shows up at 8 o'clock, plays with his opposite hand and shoots under par! I'm a bit amazed by this guy so I ask him, "You're a pretty good golfer, beating us with scratch golf and then showing-off by playing just as good with your opposite hand. Just what is your secret?"
He said, "Well...when I wake up in the morning and my wife is lying on her left side, I play left-handed. Or when I wake up in the morning and my wife is laying on her right side, I play right-handed."
So, I ask, "what if she is laying on her back?"
"That's when I get here at 8:05!"

 

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."
"Susan is actually your half-sister and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was broken-hearted.
After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again, his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, George.
"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father!"

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