TUESDAY JOKES - 142

 

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?"
"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.
"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.
"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.
"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. 

"We put sugar and cream on ours!"

My last girlfriend used to call my willy what I thought was a big, powerful, scary nickname. She was calling it a weapon of mass destruction. 

Sounded cool, but then I found out she was calling it that because she thought my willy was really hard to find!

Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera were building a barn. While putting up the inside wall, Britney noticed that Christina was tossing every other nail into the garbage can.
Britney asked Christina, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Christina said, "The pointed end is on the wrong end of the nail."
Britney said, "Well, don't throw those away, we can use those on the outside wall!"

A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?"

He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management!"

Ladies, next time your man pisses you off, do not give him the silent treatment. Instead, go Google the most important game of the season, sit next to him during that game and just ask as many blooming questions as possible. I don't understand who is that guy in the striped shirt? Does he work at Foot Locker? I don't understand, why are they all wearing the same outfit? When are we going to have a baby? Eventually, he will shoot himself in the face and you will win the argument!

A woman went to the doctor's clinic and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"

The first doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up, said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady wearing a huge fur coat walked in and asked if she could bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
The dealers said yes and were happy to oblige.
She then said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'll feel much luckier if I take off my coat." With that, she took off her coat and was wearing a skin-tight Wonder-woman outfit!
The men looked her up and down as she leaned over the table, rolled the dice, and yelled, "Come on baby, come on!"
She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling "YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!" With that, she picked up her winnings and quickly left.
The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, "What the heck did she roll anyway?"
The second dealer answered, "I don't know. I thought you were paying attention!"

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first went in to see the counselor, who told him to take mathematics, history and logic.

"What's logic?" the first redneck asked.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed cutter?"

"I sure do."
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.
"That's really good!" said the redneck.
The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazing!"
"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."
"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!"
The redneck was catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinating thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
"So what classes are you taking?" asked the friend.

"Mathematics, history and logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed cutter?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.
"You're queer, aren't you?"

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