THURSDAY JOKES - 143

 

While hiking in the woods, Nate and Sam found this huge rock that had an old iron lever attached to it. Etched into the rock was the following inscription: "If this lever is pulled, the world will come to an end!"

Nate wanted to pull the lever and see what would happen but Sam, being a paranoid pessimist, greatly feared this. He said to Nate that if he tried to pull the lever, he'd shoot him!

In a daring attempt, Nate lunged for the lever and sure enough, Sam shot him.

 

What is the moral of this story? - Better Nate than lever!

The pothole problem is getting crater and crater!

I am so old...
When walking into a bar they checked my pulse instead of my ID!

A survey was conducted by asking women of what they thought of their ass.
85% of women said that they thought that their ass was too big.
10% of women said that they thought that their ass was too small.

5% of women said that they would marry him again!

A man walks into a store and he saw a thermos. The clerk walks up to him and asks, "May I help you with anything?"
"Yea! What is that?"
"Why that's a thermos!"
"What's it does?"
"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"
"I'll take it"
The next day the man goes to work carrying this thermos. His co-workers ask him, "What's that!"
"It's a thermos"
"What's it does?"
"It keeps things hot and it keeps things cold!"
"So, what does it have in it?"

"Two iced popsicles and a cup of hot coffee!"

Brezhnev, a former ruler of Russia, was thought to be not too bright. He comes to address a big Communist party meeting and starts:

"Dear Comrade Imperialists,"
The whole hall perked up - "what did he say??" Brezhnev tried again...
"Dear Comrade Imperialists,"
Well, by now the hall was in pandemonium - was he trying to call them Imperialists? Then, an advisor walked over to the podium and pointed to the speech for Brezhnev. "Oh..." he muttered, and started again:

"Dear Comrades, Imperialists are everywhere!"

I said, "that's the wrong drink." And he said, "sorry, dude, I'm tired." And I was like, have a frisking coffee on me, man. That's why I'm here!

Q: What do you get when you cross Pikachu with porn?
A: Pikascrew.

A junior reporter for a small-town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment one day. He submitted the following report to his editor.
"Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in the County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts."
The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and write something more appropriate!"

The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally, he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in the County Hospital with lacerations on her private part!"

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