Crazy Rich Malaysians

Malaysians are unpredictable.

First, they go to social media war with Singaporeans over which country started and made hawker centres a culinary institution, over who had the better noodles, whatever.

Then they turn round and bask in reflected glory from the success of “Crazy Rich Asians,” with its portrayal of Singaporean decadent excess.

Malaysians, including the leading man, are in the cast. Locations were used all over the country, including standing in for a swanky hotel and restaurant in London and New York.

Great.

What about our national pride, all that warm puppy feeling on Aug 31, together we can achieve anything?

I say our Crazy Rich Malaysians beat them hands down.

As of Aug 28, “Crazy Rich Asians” had grossed US$90.9 million.

Big deal. Make another US$300 million to equal the box-office take of the top-grossing Malaysian film, then talk.

I drop names, oops, like Martin Scorsese and Leonardo DiCaprio, and the fact that “The Wolf of Wall Street” grossed over US$392 million. Made with Malaysian money.

Our Malaysian film also has a record that I’m confident no Singaporean film will ever beat. “The Wolf of Wall Street” has the record for the number of times the word “f**k” is used – 506. If you add in variations, make it 569. Beat that, Singapore.

As for the decadent excesses of Crazy Rich Malaysians, our on-going series “The Lifestyle of the Rich and the Infamous” has much of the country and a lot of the world tuned in and enthralled.

A few episodes ago in the sapu-opera, there was a raid on two store-houses in the Pavilion Residences, which netted RM114 million in 72 bags, jewellery galore, 284 designer handbags and 433 luxury watches. Bring on the Singapore tai-tais and their bling-bling.

Our rich are so rich, since then the authorities – (my affectionate term for the MACC of late is the Lost-and-Found Dept) – have been stumbling onto a few million here, a few million there, stashed in houses, offices and condos.

Banks can’t service our rich. I imagine an ATM would have an electronic fit, then go off-line if one wanted to withdraw a hundred grand, much less a few million.

Next, sailing into the red-carpet spotlight – the Equanimity, now befitting its name, becalmed in Port Klang. There are a couple of claimants to its ownership, but both are Malaysians.

Retractable roof

Singapore is the top harbour for moving millions of containers every year – maybe millions every hour, one never knows with those over-achievers – but containers – so pedestrian.

In “Equanimity” we are talking about a super-yacht (defined as over 24m long) with standard fixtures like pool, lift, gym (thoughtfully provided for guests because it’s obvious Jho Low had no use for it), sauna, helicopter landing pad.

The feature that arrested me was the retractable roof over the master bedroom.

I tried to envision two scenarios and failed miserably: Jho Low, alone in bed, gazing at the wondrous billion speckled diamonds of the Milky Way and pondering on God and the mysteries of life; Jho Low with a woman and being romantic.

The latter fused my brain. Couldn’t even begin to imagine the sight.

Most recently, we have the RM2.1 billion estate of the late minister Jamaluddin Jarjis.

He did it without any help from me, said Najib Razak.

Good, there are Malays who don’t need the NEP to succeed. Let’s do away with it.

During Najib’s reign so many Malays became rich. What is Doctor M going on about Malays losing out to the Chinese in competition?

To be fair, we also have a few Crazy Malaysians of whom we are not proud, though it must be said that even in that ignoble category, Crazy Malaysians beat Crazy Singaporeans anytime.

Like Umno supreme council member Lokman Noor Adam at the Malay rights rally in Perak.

Name-calling Dr Mahathir Mohamad a demon is verbal excess, just betraying his lack of a good upbringing, but in the same breath to use “mamak” as a derogatory label implying an impurity of blood was a masterstroke of epic idiocy, sure to win Indian-Muslims votes in the next elections for the party of this rabid master race rat fearful of miscegenation.

My wife likes watching rom-com, and will be going to a Cineplex to watch “Crazy Rich Asians” with a friend. (Thankfully, enough love has survived in our marriage for her to spare me from tagging along.)

I prefer the rob-con of Crazy Rich Malaysians. Gets my tired blood worked up.

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THOR KAH HOONG is a veteran journalist. -Mkini