A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So, he pulls on the ripcord, but nothing happens.
“No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.” So, he pulls the ripcord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens.
Now the man begins to panic. “What am I going to do?” he thinks, “I’m a goner!”
Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can’t figure out where this man is coming from or what he’s doing, but he thinks to himself, “Maybe he can help me. If he can’t, then I’m done for.”
When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”
The other man replies, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”
There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden, he sees a shark in the water, so he starts swimming furiously towards his boat.
As he looks back, he sees the shark turn and heads towards him. He’s scared to death and as he sees the jaws of the great white beast open, revealing its horrific teeth, the atheist screams, “Oh God! Save me!”
In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, “You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?”
Confused and knowing he can’t lie, the man replies, “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?”
The Lord replies, “As you wish,” and the light retracts back into the heavens. The man feels the water move once again.
As the atheist looks back, he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man watches as the huge beast closes its eyes, bows its head and says, “Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive…”
A man takes his hamster to the vet and after a short look at the creature, the vet pronounces it dead.
Not happy with the vet’s diagnosis, the man asks for a second opinion.
The vet gives a whistle and in strolls a Labrador dog. The dog nudges the hamster around with its nose and sniffs it a couple of times before shaking his head.
“There,” says the vet. “Your hamster is dead.”
Still not happy the man asks for a third opinion.
The vet opens the back door and in bounds a cat. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down for a few minutes before looking up and shaking its head.
“It’s definitely dead, sir,” says the vet.
Convinced, the man asks how much he owes.
“That will be RM1000, please.”
“RM1000 just to tell me my hamster is dead?” fumes the man.
“Well,” says the vet…. “There’s my diagnosis, the lab report and the cat scan.”
Teacher: Are you good in history?
Little Johnny: Yes and no.
Teacher: What does that mean?
Little Johnny: Yes, I’m no good in history!
A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping centre. Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.
When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, “Well, I’ll be lucky to get out of here and be home before the New Year!”
“Don’t worry, ma’am,” replied the cashier. “With that monsoon blowing viciously out there and with this brand-new broom you have here, you’ll be home in no time!”
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