SATURDAY JOKES - 335

 

Muar, Johor, Malaysia.

Encik Sabtu had been giving his second-year pupils a short lesson on science. He had explained about magnets and showed them how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron. And now it was question time….
“Class,” he said, “my name begins with the letter ‘M,’ and I pick up things….What am I?”
A little boy on the front row said, “You’re a mother!”

 

Back in my hippie college days, a professor came up to me in the cafeteria and asked me, “You dig?”
I thought to myself, this guy’s pretty far out. I answered, “Yeh, man. I dig!”
That’s how I got hoodwinked into joining his archaeological expedition.

 

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.
So, Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. “Boss”, he said, “The pill actually worked!”
“That’s all fine” said the boss, “But where were you yesterday?”

 

I walked into a bar and heard two girls speaking in what sounded like a lovely Scottish accent. I said: So, are you two girls from Scotland?
One of them said: “Wales, Idiot!”
So, I said: “Oh, I am terribly sorry about that. So, are you the two Whales from Scotland?”

That’s the last thing I remember!

 

Why didn’t the skeleton climb the mountain?

It didn’t have the guts!

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
“I should be in charge,” said the brain, “Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”
“I should be in charge,” said the blood, “Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me, you will all waste away.”
“I should be in charge,” said the stomach,” Because I process food and give all of you energy.”
“I should be in charge,” said the legs, “because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.”
“I should be in charge,” said the eyes, “Because I allow the body to see where it goes.”
“I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “Because I’m responsible for waste removal.”
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the Story?

Even though the others do all the work… the asshole is always in charge!

.Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of Universiti Malaya, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”

The Engineer replies, “In the region of RM10,000 a month, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks’ vacation, 14 days paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Ferrari?”
The Engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

And the interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it!”

 

What does a sprinter eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast!

 

An eminent banker explained just how he started in business:

“I had nothing to do, and I rented an empty store, and put up a sign, People’s Bank.

As soon as I opened for business, a man dropped in and made a deposit of two hundred ringgit.

The next day another man dropped in and deposited three hundred ringgit.

And so, sir, the third day, my confidence in the enterprise reached such a point that I put in fifty ringgit of my own money!”

 

Bill: I know a man who drove a stagecoach and it didn’t have any wheels.
Ted: What held it up?

Bill: Bandits!

 

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.

“Oh, we’ll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship,” the wife explained. “He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theatre arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I’m listening!”

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