TUESDAY JOKES - 331

A School garden near Bundu Tuhan, Ranau,Sabah, Malaysia.

Walter: I am not afraid of the cops around Santa Ana. You have seen some of these guys?

What, cops on bicycles? How intimidating is this: Alright buddy, pull over. Ching-ching-ching? What do they do when they arrest somebody? Alright, get in the basket!

 

I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him…
I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

 

Her side of the story:-
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit late but he didn’t say anything much about it.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn’t really sure.
So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him and he just put his arm around me. I didn’t know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn’t say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! So, I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex.
But he still seemed really distracted, so afterward I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I don’t know, I just don’t know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he’s met someone else???
His side of the story:
My soccer team lost. Felt extremely sad. Got laid though!

 

Your accountants’ letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

You have to hitch-hike to the bank to make your car payment.

Your suggestion box starts ticking.

Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the District Attorney is on line 2, and CBS News is on line 3.

You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.

You see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.

They pay your wages out of petty cash.

You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed and have less than you’ve ever had.

You tell the barber what you think about his prices before you get your haircut.

Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.

A black cat crosses your path and drops dead.

You take an assertiveness training course and you’re afraid to tell your wife.

The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

Your pacemaker has only a thirty-day guarantee.

The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.

The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never came out.

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what’s wrong.
“I’ve puked all over myself again and my wife is going to kill me.”
The other drunk says “do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put the money in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten ringgit to have your clothes cleaned.”

“Sounds like a great idea,” says the drunk guy.

When he gets home, sure enough, his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says ” look for yourself, there is a ten ringgit note in my shirt pocket.”
His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty ringgit.
“Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you,” says the wife.
“He did,” says the drunk.

“But he shits in my pants too!”

 

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”

I sell plastic pens.

I’m kind of a Bic deal!

 

Teacher: Billy, name two pronouns.
Billy: Who, me?
Teacher: Very good!

“Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?”
“No idea, they just ransomware!”

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